halfway through January

2008 is already turning into a rollercoaster year.

• my career has gone through a series of ups and downs. I lose one gig, and I gain another. It's literally a see-saw.
  
• I'm trading colds with the boyfriend. I get better, and he gets it. He gets better, and I get the tail end of his cold.
  
• my libido is not slowing down at all. I guess what they say about women in their 30s is true.
  
• I'm planning a big trip for this year. I need to renew my passport and get my finances in order.
  
• I'm starting a novel this year. Again. Hopefully I will finish this time.
  

It's turning out to be quite a busy 2008.

well...

I'm back to writing again...back to writing erotica, to be more specific. I feel like 2008 is my year to shine, so I'll be writing a lot more.

I don't know what to blog about. I don't want to blog about my sex life because a) I'm feeling more private these days and 2) I just don't want to. If you've been a regular lurker, I apologize for the lack of the nitty gritty details. My sex life is awesome, but I don't feel like sharing anymore.

So what does an erotica writer blog about anyways? Are we limited to either writing about sex or writing about writing? Do we blog about the mundane details of our every day lives? I'm not really sure. Maybe I'll get the blogging bug back. Maybe I won't.

Until then, *kisses*

New Year

2008 is going to be a year of big changes. I just know it.

I've been on hiatus from writing erotica. I'm still on hiatus, but I can feel myself re-energizing.

Some good news to start the new year: one of my stories was just accepted by Clean Sheets Magazine. I've been wanting to get into Clean Sheets for a long time, and I've submitted a few times. I feel like I've finally achieved one of my goals, and I'm thrilled.

2008 is getting off to a great start.

Current mood

I know...another music post. It's the winter blues and I'm feeling blah.

Garbage - only happy when it rains

Stepping it up

I start getting into introspective-mode around this time of year. With 2008 right around the corner, I evaluate my year and think about the future.

I've decided that I need to step it up. I want more for myself. My good friend told me he lives by this motto: "Make each day your masterpiece." That's a good rule to live by.

Inner artist

In the last few weeks, I've been to a few art shows. The Murakami exhibit @ MOCA blew me away, and I think I'm going to make a return visit. I've also been to openings at small, indie galleries. I've seen some interesting works and some stuff that makes me scratch my head and wonder, "that's art?" I don't mean to sound like an art snob, because I'm not. I know what I like, and I know what I don't like. I don't "get" some art.

After seeing different works, I yearn to make my own art. (I do consider writing to be a form of art, but I'm talking about visual art.) When I was a wee youngster, I was really into painting and drawing. I dreamed of making cartoons. I used to love my art classes in high school. I wasn't great at it, but I wasn't bad. I gave up at some point because I was convinced that there are other more talented people in the world. They're the "real" artists, and I was just a poser.

I've been thinking about how I would start. There are all these things that I want to try. I don't have formal training, and I've never been to art school. I've been thinking of taking art classes. That would be a start. All I know is that I want to creat art. Maybe it's my creative ADD. I get so restless sometimes that I need another avenue to burn off this energy.

Photography is cool but I'm not that interested in taking pictures. I would love to be crafty, but my fingers are too clumsy. I'd probably injure myself if I learned how to knit or make jewelry. I want to learn how to draw and paint. I want to create a cutesy character. I want to make a comic book or an animated web episode. I've been wanting to do this for a long time, and I'm thinking about it more and more. It's time to start acting instead of just thinking.

honestly

Some days I feel like I'm just going through the motions. It's not depression or the blues or anything serious like that.

I know that I really shouldn't complain. My life is pretty good right now, and I'm grateful for what I do have in my life. In the last six months I've had the best experiences, and I get to share them with great people. What can be better than that?

Overall I know that life is good. Yet, sometimes I can't get away from this cloud that hangs over me. I don't even know where this dark spot comes from. It's weird. The only thing I can do is keep a smile on my face and continue with the day. The smile isn't really genuine, but I do what I can.

the bloody truth

Here's a random fact about me: I don't like having sex when I'm on my period.

If you're a guy (or even a gal) who gets squeamish about this topic, escape while you still can. I don't mean to gross anyone out. I'm just thinking out loud.

If you're still with me, there's a reason I mention this. The other night my lover wanted to get frisky and I told him that I'm on my period. He pointed out that we can always use a towel. Yes, I suppose we could. I have had sex on my period before and I feel ambivalent about it.

Pro: it feels great. When Aunt Flo is around, my hormones are crazy and I really want sex. I've heard that sex helps with the cramps, and I think there's some truth in that.

Con: it's so goddamn messy. I know that most guys don't mind the mess. Fortunately my partner is a mature guy who won't say "ew" when he sees a drop of blood. He doesn't mind the clean up, but I feel like it ruins the mood. We both run to the bathroom to clean up. Then I have to make sure there aren't any wayward spots on the bed.

It's not the yuck factor that bothers me. It's the clean up. It's such a hassle that I don't like to bother.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being a prude about it. Maybe I should just follow my lust and not worry about the cleaning factor. Sex is great no matter what. Should a little blood get in the way of pleasure?

Wildfires

This makes me sad and angry: O.C. Fire started as a controlled burn

I know mistakes can happen, but goddamn...

I saw the wildfires in the distance as I was driving home on Sunday night. I don't live near the evacuated areas, but I have friends who do. So far everyone is safe and sound, although I do know one couple who had to evacuate.

When I woke up, my eyes were all puffy and my throat was raw. The ashes keep drifting, and you can't get away from this nasty air. I read that the fires are only 10% contained. I hope this hell ends soon. It's scary out there.

Avoiding the shark-infested waters

While browsing writers' forums and blogs, I often read about publishing horror stories. The shady publishers, scam agents, deadbeats, cheats, and the other bottom feeders of the publishing world. I read these tales of woe, and I count my blessings. I've been a freelance writer for about two years, and I haven't experienced any of the nightmares that other young and beginnning writers go through. *knock on wood*

To date, there has been one publisher who has draaaaaaagged his/her feet on payment. I still haven't received full payment, but I'm optimistic. I still give them the benefit of the doubt. With that exception, my experiences with publishers have been top-notch.

I guess you can say I've been lucky so far. I know the scam artists and deadbeats are out there, and I'm doing my best to stay away from them. To avoid the scams, I follow a few simple rules:

* If the writing gig looks too good to be true, it probably is.
* Always get the contract in writing. Even an email agreement is better than nothing.
* Trust your instincts. If something smells fishy, watch out.
* Show professional courtesy at all times - the golden rule is a simple rule to follow.
* Never burn bridges until it gets to the point that you need to blow up the bridge.

These guidelines have worked well for me. I'm cynical in the first place, so my warning flags are hyper-sensitive. I'm willing to walk away from a gig if something doesn't feel right.

Of course I'm not just patting myself on the back. I've been truly fortunate to have worked with awesome editors and publishers. With the exception mentioned above, I have always received timely payment. I get positive feedback when I do well, and I get constructive feedback when I need to work on something. The publishing world is filled with a few predators here and there. For the most part, I have stayed away from the shark-infested waters. So far it's been a good ride, and I'm optimistic about the future. As the cliche goes, there's nowhere to go but up.

Poppycock

On Friday night, I went to the opening reception for Poppycock, an art show by Ben Templesmith. He is the illustrator/artist of 30 Days of Night which has been made into a movie. 30 Days... was the first graphic novel I read in one sitting. It's a smart vampire novel with amazing artwork. Since then I've been impressed with Templesmith's work in Fell, another graphic novel.

The art show was at a small comic book store in Silverlake. It was raining that night, but that didn't stop the crowd from showing up. The show featured Templesmith's cover art and prints from the movie set. The crowd was a mix of comic book junkies, Templesmith groupies, and those in the entertainment business.

Templesmith was a lot younger than I expected, maybe in his early 30s. He looked stylish in a black pinstriped suit and black Chuck Taylors. With his lanky frame and reddish blonde hair, he looked at home with the hipster Silverlake crowd. He seemed tired and jet-lagged but he was a good sport. I was smitten with his Australian accent. What is it about boys with accents?

I bought his Poppycock, a book illustrated with "leprachaun erotica." No joke. I'm not really a starfucker, and I don't really get autographs. This time I did want him to sign my book. As I was waiting for my man to get his book signed, I picked up another Templesmith book, Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse. I leafed through it and thought the artwork was grotesque and completely intriguing. So I bought that, too, and got back in line.

He saw me and said, "Ah, it's you again. You bought another book!"

I smiled. I am not really good at making small talk.

Then he said, "I don't know if you'll like this book. Maybe I should put a warning label on it. Then again you did buy the other one with erotica in it."

And it was on the tip of my tongue to say, "That's okay. I write erotica."

But I didn't. I got tongue-tied. Idiot.

I just told him how much I enjoyed his work. After he signed my book, he drew a little illustration of a man's head saying "hello!" I thought it was very cool.

I'm still kicking myself for getting tongue-tied.

Dear Ben -- if you ever stumble across this post, I was the short Asian chick in black glasses. You shook the hand of an erotica writer. How about that?

Never kissed a girl

This weekend I went to a huge music festival in downtown LA. Lots of great dj's in an ultra-crowded venue. Plenty of eye candy and plenty of oglers.

I was with my lover and a few friends. As we were standing around, a cute girl walked by us. She was probably in her 20s, pretty face, slim, revealing outfit...basically every straight guy's fantasy. She looked at me and smiled. The smile lingered and she slid her hand up my bare arm. She gave me an obvious come-hither look, and I gave her a polite smile in return. I stepped aside to let her walk by and the moment passed.

My guy and his male friend looked so utterly disappointed. I'm sure they thought she was going to kiss me. Actually I thought so, too. She seemed interested, but I didn't give her an opening. I saw a lot of strangers kissing other strangers that night. My guy said if I wanted to kiss another girl, it was okay with him. I said I was sorry to ruin his lesbian fantasy, but it wasn't going to happen.

He implied I was a prude, and I took a moment to tell him how I feel. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, and I know myself. I've had moments of curiosity about women, but I've never been attracted to a woman. Not enough to initiate physical contact. If I'm not attracted to a woman, I'm not going to kiss one. It's a simple concept, and I don't feel it's a reflection of prudishness.

I don't have a problem with straight women who experiment with their sexuality. More power to them. I do have a problem with straight women who experiment only to fulfill a boyfriend's fantasy. They kiss another woman to titillate their male counterparts. That's not me. I'm not going to change my sexual identity to please my man. I'm willing to compromise on certain things, but that's not one of them. I'm not homophobic; I'm just attracted to men (despite their flaws).

I told him how I felt, but he understood. He said a part of him was glad that I didn't. Now he knows that I'm not going to make out with some random stranger (male or female). I may be the only female I know who has never kissed a girl. A few of my friends have shared drunken kisses in the past. That's not me, and I don't feel like I'm missing out.

the new object of my obsession

Patron XO Cafe - coffee-flavored tequila

I tried this last night, and I'm in lust. I'm not a big fan of tequila, and I'm not a big fan of sweet liquers. But this tasted so smooth going down my throat. It's like drinking a thick coffee drink with the slightest taste of tequila. The aftertaste is very sweet like you have coffee candy in your mouth. Or it's like kissing your lover after he's sipped a thick, creamy mocha.

Don't down it like a shot. Freeze it, and then take small sips to savor it.

No, I'm not a shill for Patron. I tried it because my friends raved about it. I'm already hooked. Not that I need another addiction in my life. I'm going to make the bottle last for a while.

Kissing styles

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think I'm a great kisser. Or at least that's what I've been told. I've also been lucky to have experienced great kissers. One guy was so good that I wanted to kiss him for hours. The sex was good, but it was the kissing that got me worked up. His lips and tongue fit mine perfectly.

I know that we have all have unique kissing styles. I've been involved with a guy with a kissing style that's completely opposite of mine. The first time we kissed, I thought: "what the hell is he doing?!" The funny thing is that he later told me he had the same reaction.

When I kiss, it's mostly lips with the occasional tease of the tongue. I tend to be a "sucker": I like to suck on the upper lip, the lower lip, the tongue. My kisses tend to be teasing with gentle sucking of the lips.

On the other hand, my lover licks to kiss with his tongue. He likes to lick my entire lips while kissing. His favorite thing is to twirl his tongue around mine like two snakes tangled together. I haven't been able to master that technique yet. I'm not much of a tongue-kisser. I'm more of a lips-kisser.

So far we haven't been able to reach a happy medium. Sometimes we kiss "my way" and sometimes we kiss "his way." I still haven't gotten used to his kissing style, but he has adjusted to mine. Eventually we'll figure out a kissing style that satisfies us both. I'll have to add a new kissing style to my repertoire. I'm working on it.

this weekend

I did not...
watch the MTV music awards
see Britney's "comeback"
get enough sleep
get enough exercise

I did...
see Shoot Em Up...which was entertaining as long as you shut off your brain
hang out with friends
drink vodka shots with fruit juice chasers
eat yummy food all weekend

Overall I say it was a good weekend that was far too short. Back to the grind...

too hot for words

I can't think about anything except this unbearable heat. For the last few days, temps have topped 100. It makes me want to stay inside and be sloth-like.

Believe or not, it's even too hot to feel sexy. It's hot enough to feel animalistic and randy, but damn sex gets sticky so quickly.

Then again maybe that's not a bad thing. If you're going to be hot, you might as well make use of the heat. There's nothing better than two hot, sweaty bodies moving as one hot, sweaty body. Now that's sexy.

the gameplan

In 6 months, I...

- will make at least $4,000 per month through freelance writing
- will sell an article to a major print magazine
- will have a blog that receives at least 1,000 hits per day
- will take my first trip to Japan
- will take my mom on a week long trip to a destination of her choice
- will make arrangements for an epic 32nd birthday party

All this will happen by February 8, 2008. Big dreams lead to bigger ambitions.

2nd day

I decided to quit smoking yesterday so today is day #2. I've quit a few times before. The longest quitting period I ever had was 2 years.

At the beginning of this year, I started smoking again. Mostly a casual smoker, but it's getting worse. On Saturday night, I drank and smoked too much to the point of making myself sick. That's dumb. I don't want to abuse my body like this.

I'm quitting for good this time. I'm going to need all the moral support I can get. Wish me luck.

Favorite Part #2

My breasts


because they're real
because they make most men drool
because they're "big for an asian girl"
because my nipples are so sensitive
because at the age of 31, I'm just learning to love and appreciate my body

Back

I'm back from my mini-vacation. First Comic-Con, then unwinding in San Diego. It was a loooong weekend, but it was a good one.

I just received my copies of E is for Exotic. My story "Bus Ride" is in there. I love seeing my work in print. The book looks great, so get yourself a copy.

I'll update my blog with the final chapter of "Private View." In the meantime, is anyone looking to hire an adult/erotic blogger? I'm good at it, and I'm available.

weekend non-plans

For the first time in weeks, I do not have anything planned for the weekend. That's a good thing. The month of June has been a series of rockstar weekend after rockstar weekend. I think my body said no more. I'm currently recovering from a slight summer cold. I need some rest and relaxation.

This weekend I'm doing nothing. I'm just going to lay around, read, and write some poetry. It's been a while since I've written any poetry and I feel rusty. I need to get my creative energy flowing again and in a different direction.

Hope you have a safe, enjoyable weekend.

The Kis Lee Way of Making Amateur Porn

or, "How to make a shaky, blurry porn clip that you'd never show to anyone else"

1. Be intoxicated: don't drink enough to knock over the camera. Drink just enough so you lose your inhibitions.
   
2. Be semi-spontaneous: "Hey, look! The camera is right by the bed. How did that get there?" You don't have to get fancy with the tri-pod. Just have a camera handy and make sure you can get it pointing at you.
3. Low lighting works: too much light and you'll get self-conscious again. Candles or a dimmer switch work best.
   
4. Pick a position that makes you look good: you can figure it out for yourself. Missionary is always a safe bet for the ladies.
   
5. Wave at the camera: optional. But it's funny when you look at the clip later. "Hey, there!"
   
6. Don't forget to turn the sound on: a silent porn clip doesn't have the same punch. It's cool, but it's not the same.
   
7. Enjoy: when you're both sober, you can take a look and discuss your first porn clip. You can discuss what works, what doesn't work, and how to improve on next time.
   

There you go. It's the easy way to make your first porn clip. You don't have to follow my advice. Try it, experiment, and have a good time. If you don't like the result, you can always destroy the evidence together. If you like the result, it's another excuse to have more porn star sex.

different kind of milestone

In a few days, I'm turning 31. It's not the same milestone as the big 3-0, but it's still a big one. Now I'm actually a "thirty-something." When you're 30, you're just 30. Another year older and I'm another closer to middle age.

A few days ago I had a teeny tiny pity party. I hate feeling old(er). I started to miss my 20s.

I got over it.

I'm grateful for the people in my life. I have great parents. I have awesome friends. I met a wonderful guy, and I'm having the best times. Plus I'm still partying like I'm in my 20s.

Last year when I turned 30, my friends told me that this is your year to shine. I'm still shining brightly. I believe 31 will be a momentous year for me. I can just feel it. Join me for the ride.

life is really good right now

If I were the old me, I'd be paranoid at this moment. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the dark cloud to spoil the moment.

I pushed the old me away a long time ago. I'm learning how to enjoy life and enjoy the people in my life.

Do I wish a few things were different? Sure. I wish I was making more money. I wish I could afford to buy a home within the next decade. I wish my family members were healthier.

I have to remind myself that I shouldn't get greedy. I have good family. I have great friends. I'm with someone positive and he makes me happy. The last few months have been so great. Who knows what the future may hold but the present is pretty damn good.

my ears are still ringing

Last night I went to a club and partied until 1:30AM. I'm not a big fan of clubs, but I love great dj's. The music was thumping, and my booty was shaking for three straight hours. My body is paying the consequence today. Even though I wore athletic shoes, my feet still hurt. My hearing is still off, but it's getting better. That's what happens when you stand right in front of the speakers.

In the last few months, I've gone out more than I had in the last few years. Sometimes I think I'm regressing to my early 20s. I want to do all the activities that I didn't get to do like clubbing, music events, and random adventures.

I'm young, and I'm having the time of my life. This year is turning out to be fantastic. I'm happy to be surrounded by such fun people. I truly am lucky.

good, bad, naughty, what?

Recently a male acquaintance asked me: "Are you a good girl?"

We weren't talking about sex, but the question had potential for a sexual undercurrent. I had to really think about my answer. Do I think of myself as a good girl? I feel like I'm too nice to be a "bad girl," but I'm too adventurous to be a "good girl." Finally I told him: "I'm a nice girl, but I don't know if I'm a good girl."

It made me think of how people define "good girl" vs. "bad girl." When I think good girl, I think of someone who's pure, a bit naive, mostly innocent...maybe conservative in bed with a prudish side. When I think of a "bad girl," I see a vixen with a cigarette in one hand and a shot glass in the other. A bit of a wild streak and a definite edge to her.

In that context, I had to think about how people view me. On the surface, I look like a good girl. Guys tell me that all the time. I think it's my "look." It's the trendy glasses, the fact that I'm usually in a t-shirt and jeans, maybe my laid-back attitude. When some guys get to know me better, they are convinced that I'm a "bad girl." Maybe it's the sarcastic streak, my wild side, my tendency to be sexually adventurous.

Yes, I love sex. Does that automatically put me into "bad girl" category? Is it okay for a "good girl" to get raunchy and nasty between the sheets? Can you be a little bit of both?

I guess I'm both. I'm a good girl with bad girl tendencies. Or maybe it's the other way around. as I told my friend, I'm just complicated. Maybe someone like me defies categories.

June

First day of June...my favorite month, my birthday month.

It's been a year and a half since I started this writing thing. It's been about a year since I published my first erotica piece. I'm not rolling in dough, but I like what I do. Some days I tell myself that I can even make a living at this...some day. At least the possibility is there.

It's almost been a year since I got out of an old relationship. I'm dating now, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a new relationship yet.

It's almost been a year since I turned the big 3-0. Soon I'll be the big 3-1. It doesn't have the same kind of ring, but it means that I'm closer to middle-age. Lovely. Well, life is what you make of it, and I'm having a blast.

In a few weeks I'll be another year older. I'm still doing this freelance writing thing. I'm enjoying the times I have with friends and loved ones. I'm enjoying each moment at a time. If you think about it, that's what life is all about. Those precious happy moments that come between the mundane realities of every day life. Live on.

Inspired

I've been writing more erotica lately. Usually I try to balance my work between erotica and non-erotic/genre writing. For the last few weeks, the dirty words have been flowing and I'm in the groove. A part of the reason is because of this guy I'm dating. I don't mean to brag, but the sex is phenomenal. As a result, I feel more inspired to write about sex.

I feel like I have to be careful when incorporating my sex life into my stories. As I told my partner, I don't write about specific acts and details. I'm really careful about protecting other people's privacy. I assured him that he's not identifiable in any of my stories. However, I do take random bits and pieces of conversations and activities. I'm not trying to milk my sex life for story material. It's just that the sex is so good that I take short excerpts here and there.

Some of my stories contain "factional" moments. In fact, some of my blog entries tow the line between fact and fiction. I'm not one to kiss and tell, but I'm going to let my real life inspire my writing. Early on he gave me permission to incorporate "our" life in my stories. I'm not going to turn down that opportunity. The sex is definitely worth writing about, but I won't do a play-by-play on my blogs. A girl needs some privacy, ya know.

I'm having great sex, and I'm more productive than ever. Sometimes I re-invent certain moments and I get turned on all over again. Life is very, very good for this smut writer.

When I'm on top

While browsing the Sex-kitten Feed, I saw a post titled "5 ways to get her on top." The article suggests tips for getting your woman to be comfortable while she is in the woman-on-top position. Rose is right to say that some women feel self-conscious or shy while in that position.

I used to be one of those women. When I was younger, I was really self-conscious of my body. I still have some esteem issues, but back then I was more insecure. I used to wonder if the view was okay...if he enjoyed watching my body...if my boobs were flopping too much...if my stomach was flat enough. I couldn't come from that position because of all these thoughts running through my mind.

Gradually I learned one important fact: being on top feels GREAT! I can control the speed and the tempo. I'm in charge of how quickly (or slowly) I can get off. I can watch his face as I vary the strokes. I love watching a man's eyes roll in the back of his head. I also learned that guys love the view of a woman on top. I don't have to have a perfect body. He doesn't give a damn about a few pounds either way. Sometimes the guy will study my body; sometimes he will close his eyes to enjoy the sensations. I just let go of all the inhibitions and ride with abandon.

Why should I be self-conscious of my body when we're both enjoying ourselves so much? Over time I learned how to let go of the body image issues when I'm riding my man. It feels too good to worry about insignificant stuff.

My current partner loves when I'm on top. He doesn't have to coax or convince me to ride him. When he's ready for me, I just climb right on. It's a turn on for both of us. I enjoy other positions but being on top is my favorite way to start off. I love leaning forward so I can kiss him while fucking him. I love leaning back so I can feel him at a different angle. I love using my legs to bounce on him until he's writhing on the pillows. The possibilities are endless with this particular position. After I come once, then we can switch to a different position. ;)

short goodbye

He kisses me on the forehead. "I guess this is goodbye for a while."

I tickle his earlobe with my lips. "Goodbye? You're coming back, right?"

"Smart ass."

"I'm going to miss you while you're gone. It's going to be a long week."

"I'm going to miss you, too, honey."

I slide my lips down his body. "Let me give you something to remember me by. Like you said, it'll be a long week."

I take his hardness into my mouth. Take him all the way in, wrapping my lips around the base of his shaft. He grabs me by the hair. Hard. Pulls me upward and flips me on my back.

"I want you to remember me," he whispers. His face disappears between my thighs. For a long while, I can't think of anything but his mouth and tongue on me. I wrap him tight between my thighs, my hands tangled in his hair.

I stare at the ceiling and try to steady my breathing. His mouth moves up until his teeth graze my neck. "You think that'll hold you over for a week?"

"We'll see." I grab his cock and guide him inside me.

snapshot

Morning calm. I can tell his eyes are half-open even though I can't see him. He puts my hand on his hardening cock.

"Tell me what you want, baby."

I'm always speechless around him. I don't know why. I've never been the shy girl, never the coy one. Really I don't know what to say.

He wraps my hand around his shaft. "Tell me what you want. You want this?"

My whispered "yes" sounds breathy. It barely leaves my lips.

He's not satisfied with that. "Tell me what you want."

"I want you." My voice sound teeny tiny.

"Tell me how."

I take a deep breath and let it all out. "I want you inside me." My face burns from the admission. We both know it, but voicing my desires is something different.

He takes my hand off him. Rolls on top of me. "I'll give you what you want."

Indeed.

re-jec-ted

A few months ago I sent in an application to a near-by graduate school. Years ago I thought about pursuing a MFA in Creative Writing, but I never applied anywhere. This year I was determined to apply to at least one program to see if I could get in.

Well, I received a letter from them today. As soon as I saw the thin, business-sized envelope, I knew it was a rejection letter. Acceptance letters tend to come in big packets. A quick scan confirmed it was true...they said they only accept 6 in the fiction department every year. I don't know how many people apply to the program, but 6 is quite a small number.

I was discouraged for a few minutes. Rejection never feels good, but it didn't really hurt. I wasn't sure if the MFA program was right for me. I wasn't sure if I was ready for the classroom again. I guess I won't have to worry about that anymore. I'll take my education the old fashioned way...by writing, submitting, and writing some more. You know what...that's fine with me.

wiped out

I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I'll go to sleep around 1 am and wake up around 5. I try to go back to sleep, but I can't. I think about getting up to write, but it's too cold. So I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep around 7 or 8.

In college, I used to go through brief periods of insomnia. I hope it's not back. So far it's been less than a week, so I'm hoping my sleep schedule will get back to normal. I've had a lot on my mind lately so I'm sure that's not helping matters. I've been thinking about the big picture questions: career, success, love. All these thoughts bombard me during the day and continue at night.

In a few months, I'll be 31. I want to say that I'm happy with what I've accomplished as a 31 year old. In a way, I am but I want more. I want a more successful career. I want to be able to take a vacation this year. I want a nicer car. I want to fall in love. I'm thinking about all of these things, and the thoughts are overwhelming at times.

I'm tired, and I'm restless. I'm worried about the future. I look forward to the future. This is me at the moment.

a day in the life

Once in a while someone will ask me, what do you do all day?

Meaning: You say you're a writer. Does that mean you get up at noon and peck at the keyboard all day?

Yes and no.

Here is an average Monday:

8:30 am - wake up...curse that it's monday
9 - actually get out of bed, shower, brush teeth, change
9:30 - check email, myspace, blog comments...make 1st cup of coffee
10:30 - go over previous night's documents
11:30 - lunch and more coffee
12:30 pm - surf adult blogs, check Sex-kitten.net's feed
1:30 - administrative tasks such as submitting stories, checking on submissions, researching markets, check affiliate links, etc.
3 - open Word and write or edit (I rarely do both at the same time. Some days are reserved for writing; some days are for editing)
5 or 6 - dinner
7 - write or edit
8-10 - mental break, i.e. watch TV and surf the net, exercise
10 - whenever - more writing or editing

My average day is a bit mundane. I don't sit on my ass all day waiting for inspiration. I may not be working a regular 9-to-5, but I like my schedule. Being a freelance writer is scary. You never know when the next paycheck is going to come in. You trade the stability of a steady paycheck for the flexibility of being on your own. Is it a fair trade? Only time (and my income) will tell...